"German Efficiency"

Yes, I should probably be posting on the trip to California I got back from yesterday...or the trip to Portugal I got back from two weeks ago...but instead, something I witnessed on the U-Bahn today and a convo I had with my roomie this evening has prompted a post on the myth of German efficiency.
That's right, it's a myth. Or at least that what I've come to believe.
I've ranted before about the jaywalking situation, but to recap, no one does it. Ever. And if you do, you get dirty looks and/or lectures about not doing it in front of the children.
Speaking of children and rule-following, that brings me to what happened on the U-Bahn today (I've translated for convenience, but this took place in German,of course). A little child next to me called loudly to her mother, "Mama!" and pointed at a man behind me. "He's eating!" The man said "Uh-oh" and chuckled good-naturedly. Flustered, the mother explained to her child in breathless, breakneck German (seriously, she was talking so fast she had to stop and catch her breath afterwards) that the rule was really meant for messy foods, like fries dripping ketchup, or döner kebab dropping bits of meat and lettuce (I didn't get a look at what the man was actually eating, but he continued to halfheartedly and uncomfortably chuckle). The kid wasn't having any of it though. She stood up straight and pointed at the sign on the wall. "I READ IT," she proclaimed, and proceeded to read the sign about not eating out loud for everyone's benefit. Then she glared at the man behind me. The mother didn't know what to say. It was hilarious.
So what does this have to do with efficiency being a myth? Well just because you're following rules, doesn't mean you're being efficient. In fact, sometimes the most efficient course of action is not to follow the rules, i.e. when there are no cars on the street and you want to get across it and go home. Thus I propose, with the example of the little girl on the U-Bahn, that the quintessential German quality often mistaken for efficiency is actually just a penchant for following the rules. Always. No matter how irrational it may be to do so.
The only comment in German on my jaywalking post, "Ordung muss leider sein, egal ob es auf der Strasse oder in dem Meldeamt ist." (Unfortunately there must be order, whether it's in the streets or in the registration office) only serves to prove my point (sorry Eryk...but it's true).
The fact that inefficiency is in actual fact quite rampant in Germany is proved by the fact that at the local Stadtbad (public pool), they never divide the pool into lanes so people can swim laps. There are, however, always people trying to swim laps, meaning they have to navigate around grannies and kids who seem purposely to swim in their path. It's quite unpleasant. The first time I encountered this, I figured there must be a separate lap-swimming time. Seeing "Paralellbetrieb" (parallel use) on the schedule, I figured that must be it. No, that means that half the pool is given over to a swimming course, while the remaining half is even more difficult to navigate. Wtf? Not only that, but rather than a time set aside for lap swimming in peace, there is a time set aside for "Spaßbaden"--fun swimming. Again, wtf? Isn't it friggin Spaßbaden all the time? How could anyone witness the poor souls trying in vain to get a workout in and not realize, "Hey, maybe we should have a separate time for lap swimming"? Well, that's not the way we do it. No matter how much more efficient it may be.
The one time I have encountered Germans breaking the rules is when it comes to lines, or as my British side would like to put it, queuing. Buying tickets at the movie theater is a madhouse--multiple registers and no fixed lines. Waiting to get a coat back after a concert is the same--either a big crowd vaguely pushing towards the counter, or people pretending there's more than one line, then subtly edging in in front of you. But I've had the worst luck at airports. Dear God, there is absolutely no respect for a good queue at Tegel or Schönefeld. You have to be really aggressive to prevent someone from casually sidling up and stepping right in front of you like it ain't no thang. So I guess that when it comes to forming a line, the "rules" that those of us with British blood (or half an ounce of common courtesy) tend to follow are too ambiguous and not official, thus meaning they are ignored by a large part of the German population. In this instance, at least, they appear to aim for efficiency.
So next time you make a crack about Germans being super-efficient...remember this post!
Bis bald,
D.

PS. No offense meant, no hard feelings. Just some friendly cultural commentary to keep us all on our toes.

Haarschnitt!

There's a bar in Berlin that offers 10eur haircuts every Monday night. I don't like paying lots of money for haircuts, so this sounded pretty good to me. I suppose it was a risk (understatement of the year) to get a haircut in a corner of a random bar but that's how I roll. We went early so the guy wouldn't have any time to drink. Ha! I can safely say this was the first time I ever drank beer while having my hair cut. I think it turned out pretty swell.

Bis bald,
D.

RIGARIGARIGARIGA

Let it never be said that romance is dead
'Cos there's so little else occupying my head
There is nothing I need 'cept the function to breathe
But I'm not really fussed, doesn't matter to me
RIGARIGARIGARIGA
Do ya, do ya, do ya, do ya
Know what ya doing, doing to me?
RIGARIGARIGARIGA
Due to lack of interest tomorrow is cancelled
Let the clocks be reset and the pendulums held
'Cos there's nothing at all 'cept the space in between
Finding out what you're called and repeating your name
Could it be, could it be, that you're joking with me
And you don't really see you with me
Could it be, could it be, that you're joking with me
And you don't really see you with me
Do ya, do ya, do ya, do ya
What ya doing, doing to me?

Here's the thing about Riga in February. It's still pretty effin cold, but not cold enough for all the built up snow and ice to stay solid. Thus, it is a frequent daily occurence that large snowbanks will slide off of their precarious perches atop Riga's stunning art nouveau architecture and crash to the street below, cars and/or pedestrians be damned!
Most of the sidewalks directly in front of buildings were taped off and unsafe to walk on. Sometimes a doorway was even taped over, which made me wonder, what do you do if you live there?
The answer, apparently, is simply to duck under the tape and risk life and limb for the moment you are exposed to flying ice chunks, such as this:

Or entire colonies of ice chunks such as this:

That was the fate of one poor station wagon who we witnessed being beaten into submission by falling ice-snow. It bleated its alarm in protest but it was already dented up.
Anyway other than imminent death by ice Riga was really awesome. I happened to be there for the Art Academy's annual carnival party and this year's theme was Black & White. It was pretty effin insane. Let's just say I saw one naked guy too many.
The next night the friend I was staying with DJed at a small party in a vintage clothing store. No one else was dancing so I had to do double duty tearin up the dancefloor all by myself. After three hours of that, I decided to take a "rest" and ended up falling asleep on a vintage couch watching the Olympics in black and white on a vintage television. Yep...I know how to party hard.
Then it was Sunday and we ventured into the countryside to my friend's Dad's house. All four of her brothers were in attendance for a large family meal complete with traditional Latvian black bread and hard cheese with carraway seeds. Afterwards, we watched the Latvian version of "So You Think You Can Dance" (riveting) and then headed out through the snow across the backyard to...
the SAUNA.
Yes, they have an old wooden hut at the back of their property which contains a large collection of Latvian antiques and a state-of-the-art sauna.
I was assigned a robe and we got all hot and sweaty. Apparently it's no good unless you turn lobster red, which we did. We went in the sauna three times total, and the last time we slathered ourselves in honey. When we came out, a big earthenware jar of fresh mint tea was waiting for us, as well as a big fluffy gray cat named Cola (for Coca-Cola). The truly traditional experience. It was wonderful.
I fell asleep to the sound of their husky dog howling at the moon and awoke when it was still dark to catch my early morning flight.
Here I am foolin around in the lobby of a cool old school movie theater in Riga. Which one is me? I know it's kkinda hard to tell:

Random statues outside the contemporary art museum, the Arsenal:

A statue on the street illustrating both the snow and ice all over everything and the caution tape stretched across all the sidewalks:

It was awesome seeing the typical tourist stuff, the capital's crazy nightlife, and a glimpse into normal suburban family life. I'm so glad I took the opportunity to visit Riga with a local!
Bis bald,
D.

Ich liebe die Berliner Mauer

In a list of the 5 weirdest things people have fallen in love with, I came across this story of a woman who "married" the Berlin wall:
"In the last months of 1989, as the Berlin Wall came down and Germans were tearfully reunited with long lost friends and family, most people around the world celebrated. But it was not a happy day for one woman, who was appalled that those selfish Germans could tear down her beloved husband. Yes, this woman married the Berlin Wall.

Eija-Riitta Berliner-Mauer (she even changed her last name to Berlin Wall) claims to have fallen in love with the structure when she saw it on TV at the age of seven. She collected pictures of the wall while saving up to pay a visit, eventually getting a chance to visit her love numerous times. They were “married” in 1979, and she says that she had a full, loving, physical relationship with the wall. That’s what we refer to as “holy s**t, too much information you crazy lady!”

Berliner-Mauer was devastated when the wall came down, but she’s moved on and fallen in love with a local garden fence. So her story has a happy ending, as she’s gotten over the “death” of her famous, exotic lover and has settled for the simple fence next door. How heart warming. Wait, no, not heart warming, that other thing. Horrifying."

Wow.
Photos/updates from Riga and Lisbon coming soon I proooomise.
Bis bald,
D.

Sveiki

That's 'hello' in Latvian.
This morning at 5am I woke up in a house surrounded by huge snowbanks in the Latvian countryside. Now I'm in the midst of a normal work day back in Berlin. It's pretty surreal.
I'll post more on Latvia when I upload pictures/am not at work, but for now here's a youtube video of the band I'm seeing in concert tonight.

Whoo jetset lifestyle!
Bis bald,
D.

Vampire Weekend

Perhaps the most anticipated show in Berlin this month was last night's Vampire Weekend concert, and the roomies and I had tickets! It was a great, exhilarating gig. I waited and waited for them to play "Cape Cod"...finally they did, the last song of the encore, and I jumped up and down in joy the whole time.
When they played "Giving up the Gun," they announced that the video for it had just come out yesterday. So I had to seek it out, and man, is it awesome.
Starring RZA, L'il Jon, Jake Gyllenhaal and, randomly, Joe Jonas, it portrays a tennis competition with RZA as the line judge, L'il Jon as the magic encouraging coach and Jake Gyllenhaal and Joe Jonas as opponents. Jake drinks whiskey from a flask while he plays, haha.
Enjoy!

Bis bald,
D.

KARNEVAL!

An overdue post on last weekend's visit to the Karneval festivities in Köln!
Karneval is the Rhineland's version of what is called Mardi Gras or Carneval elsewhere in the world--i.e. the big celebration/sinfest before Lent, where excess and indulgence is encouraged. In Köln, the party starts on a Thursday and goes until the next Tuesday, with the Monday (Rosenmontag) being the craziest day. I had to be in Berlin on Saturday night, so I took a rideshare on Sunday to be there for Sunday evening festivities.
Part of going crazy Kölle-style is everyone wears a costume everywhere, so I reprised my zebra costume from Halloween but with warmer zebra print pajamas (yes I own more than one pair...thanks Mom!). Dini and Mari were Piraten, and Jan was a Gärtner:

And we were ready to go out on the town!
On the way, Jan pulled out little bottles of fruit schnapps from his overalls (haha) and we drank them in a particular way: you have to hit the top of the bottle against something--either a surface or the top of another bottle--then put the cap on your nose and balance it there while downing the bottle's contents. I noticed at the parade the next day that some people had crimped the bottle tops to their noses and just left them there, haha.
Our destination was a huge tent in the town center where you had to have a ticket to get in. The costumes were varied and crazy--Elvises, convicts, schoolgirls, farmers, angels, frogs, and basically everything you could imagine as well as just random crazy outfits.
There were also other zebras:

And one guy dressed as Bert as in Bert and Ernie. Dini asked if I knew what Sesame Street was, and when I told her it was American, she was super surprised. Turns out Jan and Dini thought Sesame Street was a German show! Strange.
Karneval music is hilarious, and I learned quite a few of the songs. This was one of my favorites:

The lyrics are in the video, and the chorus translates roughly as:
And I fly, fly fly
Like a flyer
I'm so strong, strong, strong
Like a tiger
And so tall, tall, tall
Like a giraffe
So high
Whoa oh oh
And I jump, jump, jump
Again and again
And I swim, swim, swim
Over to you
And I take, take, take
You by the hand because I like you
And I say
Today is such a lovely day
Lalalalala

When you say "flieg, flieg, flieg" you flap your arms like flying, "stark, stark, stark" flex your biceps, "groß, groß, groß" stretch your arm up as if measuring a tall thing, "spring, spring, spring" you jump, "schwim, schwim, schwim" you make a breast stroke motion, and "nehm, nehm, nehm" you grab the hands of the people around you and dance with them :) It was so fun! And my companions seemed proud that I caught on so quickly, haha.
Here's another fun one:

Translation of the chorus:
Unfortunately I don't know anymore what you look like
I don't know your name
Don't give a shit! DRUNK!
(repeat once, then...)
Shala-lalala-lala-lalalala-lala-la-lala
DRUNK!!!
etc.
Hahaha.
or this lovely little number, by the same guy:

Chrous:
Oh...Joana (you horny sow!)
Born to give love (you hussy!)
To experience forbidden dreams (you motherfucker!)
Without question until the morning, aha, aha, aha...
Classy, no? The famous German tallk show host Stefan Raab thought it would be funny to serenade Rihanna with that song on his show...when he translated, she was none too pleased.
There are also tamer Karneval staples such as Viva Colonia.
The next day we went into the city to see the Rosenmontag Karnevalzug (Karneval parade). Basically you stand for 3-4 hours by the side of the parade route while innumerable floats and marching people in costume come by and throw candy, flowers, and sometimes toys into the crowd. Instead of flashing to earn these gifts, people scream "CAMELLA!" (at least I think that's how you spell it), meaning candy. When it gets thrown people go nuts, scrambling on the ground and snatching at treats. They fill great big bags with them, or umbrellas if hanging from a window above:

I was given a bag to hold, not understanding that the intention was for me to keep everything that got put in it! Yikes! I also got wounded by flying chocolate bars more than once. Seriously, it's dangerous! They throw great big chocolate bars and whole boxes of chocolates. By the end, I thought I was developing a twitch from flinching so much, haha. It was fun though, and I got to show off my new-found knowledge of Karneval songs by singing along with the crowd. I will say though that I have never seen so much blackface. Um? Inappropriate. Since when is that ok?

I also didn't even know that yellowface existed, but apparently it does:

Plus there were these:

It kind of weirded me out/seriously offended me.
There were also lots of politically themed floats making fun of Obama...and only one making fun of Merkel. This particularly classy example shows Obama farting in the Statue of Liberty's face:


Also, despite the number of small children in attendance, there were some disturbing floats:

and some explicit ones:

Hm yeah so that aspect was...interesting.
It started snowing right as the parade ended and I had to hurry off to catch my ride back to Berlin.
All in all an awesome whirlwind trip and certainly a cultural experience not to be missed!
Bis bald,
D.

PS. The haul: